Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”