Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
This makes total sense…
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”![]()
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter