Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”