*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
#math
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.