Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
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Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.