At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.