Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.