If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
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“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.