Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
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The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
wow
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Don’t tell me what to do
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like