In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.