My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
early stone age tool
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before