The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
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Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Pigeon open mic night.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Love is in the air fryer.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Harsh but fair
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com