Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China