my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”