every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
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When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Haha good job!!
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.