You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber