I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
craving $300 all of a sudden
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”