No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze