I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
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Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
This is my favorite one of these!
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT