SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist