wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
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If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“no gods no masters” = leo
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.