when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
File under excellent bookstore names.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.