My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?