[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
just witnessed a drug deal
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.