So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I have never related to a cat more
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.