Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?