Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle![]()
You Might Also Like
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
It’s a gift
![]()
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.