Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

Word!

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay