@VeganZebra

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

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@C00LpenNAME

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

@KevinBuffalo

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

@weinerdog4life

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

@sixthformpoet

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

@KentWGraham

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

@Havish_AF

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

@acechhh

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

@_elvishpresley_

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.