Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.