I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.