People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
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I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Follow me for more fitness tips.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.