Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
getting groceries
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.