My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
This is enough internet for the day.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.