My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
So creative 😂
But I really needed water water water
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.