I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
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nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.