Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
*pokes sex life with a stick
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.