Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’