Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
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[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Why do meteors always land in craters?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
can you read it!!??
maan!