Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
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And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Attacked by a mop.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.