And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
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Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july