My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”