According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Is this you?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER