I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
You Might Also Like
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup