“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
for all #parents out there
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”