Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
You Might Also Like
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Google Pay be like:
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.