My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
i spent way too long on this
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
<- sleeps well with others
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
😂😂