My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
This guy’s not having it 😆
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!