No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
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Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.