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Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
this is the news I live for
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.