Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’