America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
this is funnier than any friends episode
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.