this is funnier than any friends episode
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Jogging
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.