Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
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Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.